If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
