Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
