I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize