i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
