Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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