Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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