Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
