I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
