My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
