His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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