I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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