True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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