And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
