Moan for me like Helen Keller
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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