The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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