This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
