Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
