she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize