ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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