help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
