Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
