I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The feeling are messing with the penis
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize