The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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