I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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