she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
