Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
