Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
