does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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