Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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