Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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