Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
