I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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