There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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