Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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