have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
