Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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