1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yo dont text me then not text me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
