I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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