i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
