Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
if only i could text you this smell
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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