I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize