I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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