I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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