I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My dick has a subreddit
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
