If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
