just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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