i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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