Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
