i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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