he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize