Just fell off a train. Bad.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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