I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
