he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
