Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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