My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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