he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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