What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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