BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
