I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
