he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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